TOW The Pimples
by DanielFactoid
Summary: [complete]Season 5 episode. Full summary inside... randomness, really. Oneshot, some CM.


**Summary: Rachel tries to get Monica to say she's going out with Chandler. Phoebe deals with a zit-covered patient and Ross forces Chandler to double-date. **

**AN: This is supposed to be about episode length, just in regular prose, not script, and without commercial breaks mentioned (though there is the teaser). It takes place during the fifth season, while only Joey and Rachel know about Monica and Chandler, but Mon and Chan don't know that Rachel knows. (Oh, the confusion)**

**I know I said I wouldn't be writing fics, but I wrote most of this a while ago, I just finished it and I don't think it's that good… oh well… just something to pass the time. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own them at all, sure wish I did.**

**To Kelly, who let me borrow her first season of "Friends" and got me addicted to the show. **

**XXXXXXXX**

"**TOW the Pimples"**

Joey entered his and Chandler's apartment, groaning as he saw Monica and Chandler in an unusual position on the couch, "Come, on, guys, can you at least do… that… in Chandler's room?"

Chandler and Monica sat up straight and looked at him, "We're not naked or anything."

"I know, but it still brings to mind… weird images."

Chandler rolled his eyes, "Well, you've learned your lesson- knock on my door before you come in, or else you'll face the consequences of seeing… that!"

Rachel walked into the apartment and froze as she saw Monica and Chandler sitting on the couch, facing Joey who was across the room. She fought a smile as she saw Monica's hair- it was everywhere. "What have _you_ two been up to?" she asked, hoping that they'd crack and tell her the truth.

"We've… we've… been playing with… balloons…" Chandler answered.

Monica nodded and dove behind the couch, reappearing with a blue balloon, "See?"

Rachel slowly nodded, "Why are you playing with balloons?"

"You don't _want_ to know," Joey said quickly, "_Believe_ me."

The two on the couch shot him an angry look as he disappeared into his bedroom, and Rachel turned back to them as they gave her innocent smiles.

XXXXXXXXXX

Phoebe walked into Central Perk, muttering under her breath and stomped over to the other five. She sat on the couch next to Chandler and crossed her arms, grumbling something about cream.

Joey shared a glance with Ross, who said from the chair, "You okay, Pheebs?"

"No!" she retorted, and then continued, "You guys don't have pimply backs, right?"

Ross shook his head slowly, confused by her question.

"Nope, clear as…" Joey began, and tried to think of something to end his sentence. Finally, he said, "No zits."

Everyone turned to Chandler and he stuttered, "I-I don't know!"

"You don't have a pimply back," Monica said she took a sip of her coffee, and found everyone else's eyes on her. "I saw it in… London! There was a… pool… there."

The attention turned back to Phoebe as Rachel smiled at Monica's little slip-up. Phoebe continued, "There's this massage client that comes to me every three days, and he has this really pimply back! It's like touching a miniature mountain chain! And every once in a while, one of them pops open and that white pus comes out! It's so disgusting!"

Ross made a face in sympathy and said, "That really sucks, Pheebs. Any idea what to do about it?"

"I had a boyfriend with a pimply back," Monica said suddenly. "I just rubbed that anti-acne cream on there whenever I gave him a massage, and cleared right up."

"And did this boyfriend of yours die from your massages before or after the acne cleared up?" Chandler asked with a smile. Monica glared at him and he shrunk in his seat, "I didn't say anything."

"That's a good idea, Mon!" Phoebe said, standing up, "I already rub oils and lotions on him, this should be a piece of cake!"

"Wait, where are you going, Pheebs?" Joey asked curiously.

"Well, I've got to buy the cream, and then I've got a client with toe fungus in a little bit," she answered, and then added with a sigh, "That's a _whole_ other story."

The other five waved goodbye as she left. Joey stood up, "I guess I better go too, I've got this audition for this play… my character says 'breast' five times in his monologue!"

Chandler gave him a thumbs up as he left. Ross put his coffee down at looked at Chandler, "Hey, Chandler, can I ask you something?"

"No, Ross, for the last time, I will _not_ marry you!" Chandler replied, and Rachel snorted into her coffee as Ross rolled his eyes.

"Ha-ha, but seriously… you know how I'm trying to just move on and let go of Emily? Well, I got a date yesterday, but…" he paused to take a sip of coffee, "She wants to double-date with a friend of hers, and I said I knew someone who wasn't seeing anyone… and that's you… so, do you think you can come, since I promised her?"

"Uh… um... I don't know, Ross…" Chandler stumbled across his words and nervously glanced at Monica, "When is it?"

"It's tomorrow; we're just going out to dinner."

"I- I have to check what I'm doing, I might be… busy," Chandler stuttered.

"What could you possibly be busy with on a Saturday night?" Rachel asked, her eyes shining. She balanced her chin on her hand and stared at Chandler, who'd shrunk even lower in his seat.

"I do… things…"

"Like what, watching TV?"

"No! I…" Chandler's voice trailed off as Rachel nodded.

"See, you're not busy. And you haven't been on a date in like four months, just go with Ross!"

"Fine!" Chandler snapped, and Monica raised her eyebrows as he sat straighter on the couch and turned to a happy-looking Ross reluctantly, "Is she hot?"

"Totally," Ross replied.

"Damn it!" Chandler hissed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Phoebe opened the door to her apartment and a chubby man stood in the hall, attempting to scratch his back. She wrinkled her nose as he grunted, "Hey, Phoebe."

She sighed and welcomed him into her apartment, "Hello, Jorvette… get ready for your massage."

"Great!" A few minutes later, John was lying on the massage table and Phoebe was looking down at the pimple-covered back in front of her. Wincing, she poured some cream into her hand and began to rub it on his back.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"How could you give up so easily?"

"I didn't see you coming up with anything!" Chandler snapped back, pacing through Monica's apartment. Finally, he sighed and sat next to Monica on the couch, "I guess I have to go."

"I guess so," Monica said shortly, crossing her arms.

"Oh, come on, don't be mad at me, be mad at Ross… and Rachel!" he added, putting an arm around her shoulders, "I _promise_ I'll have a terrible time and I'll find her extremely unattractive."

"Okay…" Monica agreed reluctantly, and kissed him on the cheek, "As long as you have a bad time."

"No problem," Chandler said with a smile, gave her a quick kiss, and stood up, "I'd better get going."

"Okay, bye," Monica said with a wave as he walked out of the apartment.

"Oh, hey, Rach," he greeted Rachel as he walked by her and disappeared into his apartment. Rachel strolled into her apartment.

"Hey, Mon, what's up?" she asked as she hung up her coat and got a Coke out of the fridge.

"Not much," Monica replied, picking up a magazine and pretending to read it.

"You do know that's upside down, right?" Rachel asked as she sat on the chair next to the couch.

"Oh, yeah, I'm trying new things… reading upside down… balloons… it's just the beginning. I'm planning on not using coasters anymore, too," Monica said quickly, turning the magazine right side up.

"I see… So I can just put this cold Coke on the table, like this?" Rachel asked as she placed the Coke on the wooden table. For a few seconds, Monica stared at the cold can, and then whisked it off the table, breathing heavily and handing it back to a grinning Rachel.

"I didn't say _you _were supposed to stop using them," Monica snapped.

Rachel raised her eyebrows and took a sip of her Coke, "Hey, what did Chandler want?"

"He was just telling me about how excited he was about this whole date thing," Monica said in a fashion she hoped was off-hand.

At that moment, Chandler himself burst through the door. Closing it, he said, "I can't believe I have to go on this date! I hate blind dates!"

"So I really wasn't listening to him before," Monica said in response to Rachel's questioning look.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Look, Chandler, I know you don't like blind dating and double-dating, but I think you're really going to like Helen. I met her when I met Diane, so just try to be casual, 'k?" Ross said as they approached the apartment that their dates were at.

"Yeah, yeah…" Chandler mumbled as Ross knocked on the door. It opened and Chandler's eyes widened as he saw the two beautiful women in the doorway.

"Hi, I'm Helen," said the brunette on the left, and she extended her hand to Chandler, who shook it nervously, "You must be Chandler."

"That- that's my name," he said lamely and let go of her hand.

"Ready?" Ross said excitedly.

The brunette, Helen, and the blonde, who was presumably Diane, walked out of the apartment, smiling.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Rachel walked into Joey and Chandler's apartment, annoyed. She slammed the door shut and Joey turned around in the barcalounger, shutting off the TV, "What's wrong, Rach?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong," Rachel grumbled as she sat in the other barcalounger and faced Joey, "Stupid Monica won't crack. I just spent an _hour_ over there, trying to talk to her about why she hasn't been on a date since London, and talking about all these guys I know that would go out with her…" Rachel shook her head in frustration, "Those two are _insane_, they should just tell everyone and get it over with!"

"I know, but don't you think Ross would freak out?"

Rachel waved off this point, "Oh, please, Ross freaks out about everything… he's like Monica with a penis and without the urge to clean everything he sees."

Joey nodded in agreement and Phoebe walked into the room, looking proud, "Well, I did it, I put the cream on his back. He should be smooth in three days, which I when I see him!"

"Aw, Pheebs, that's so great! I'm so happy for you!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Jeez, Rach, don't get so worked up about it, it's just some pimples," Phoebe said and Rachel sent an annoyed look her way.

XXXXXXXXX

"You will not believe the date we just had!" Ross exclaimed as he and Chandler entered Monica and Rachel's apartment.

"Oh, was it good? Were they pretty?" Monica asked accusingly, "Do you want to go out with them again?"

"Are you kidding?" Ross said unbelievably, "Diane was so hot, and she's so fun to be around!"

"What about you Chandler, did you like your date?" Phoebe asked from across Monica at the kitchen table.

"She was… nice… not unattractive… but not my type…" Chandler said apprehensively, sitting next to Monica at the table. Ross snorted in disbelief, sitting at the table also.

"Yeah, right, dude, you wrote 'she's hot!' on my napkin!"

Monica slowly turned to Chandler and he winced, "You thought she was _hot_?"

"No!" Chandler said defensively, "I thought that… Ross's date… was hot. But it's not like that matters, right? Because Ross likes her, and I didn't like my date. I mean… I liked the way she looked, but I don't want to be with someone just because they're hot. I want to be with someone who's compatible with me."

He ended his speech and Phoebe raised her eyebrows, "Chandler, you don't have to _lie_ to us. If you're only interested in women who're hot, that's fine."

"But-but… that's not all I look for in women!"

"It's okay, you know," Ross said, "We're not judging you or anything."

"Yes you are!" Chandler cried out. "Is that what you think? That I only care about what a woman looks like?"

Phoebe and Ross murmured yes, but Monica stayed silent.

Chandler crossed his arms, angry, "I can't believe this! I'll have you that if I was with a woman right now, I wouldn't care what she looked like! She could be deformed, for all I care!"

Monica coughed and turned to Chandler, "She'd be deformed?"

"I-I-I didn't say she _would _be, I just said she _could_ be, and I'd still be with her," Chandler said, his voice getting smaller as Monica glared at him.

"Anyway," Ross interrupted, "I think that Helen really liked you, and Diane wanted to double date again, so do you want to go again?"

"No! Helen's _boring_, and _stupid_, and she eats like a walrus! Plus," Chandler added, "her nose sort of goes up like a pig snout."

XXXXXXXXXX

"So, how have you been, Jorvette?" Phoebe asked as the rather fat man made himself comfortable on her massage table.

"Fine, fine…" he replied, and she looked down at his back, hoping that the pimples had disappeared.

As she looked down, she gasped.

XXXXXXXXXX

"They're _green_?" Ross exclaimed unbelievably later that day in Central Perk. Monica and Joey were sitting on stools, looking horrified at Phoebe. Chandler and Rachel sat on the couch, similarly staring at the masseuse. Phoebe nodded, her eyes wide. She sat next to Rachel on the orange sofa and subconsciously began wringing her hands.

"I guess it was the acne cream reacting to the other lotions I use," Phoebe said nervously, "It doesn't look like little mountains any more… it's like he's got moss growing all over his back."

"Phoebe, he could probably sue you for this," Monica said worriedly.

"I know, I know… What should I _do_?"

"Maybe you could just tell him," Monica suggested.

"Oh, I know, listen to Monica… oh, wait… you already did that and you made his pimples go green," Chandler said with a straight face.

Rachel slapped him arm, "This is a serious problem, stop being Mr. Witty."

"Hey, you know what you could do?" Joey said, "You could quit as his masseuse and make him sign a contract saying that he can't hold charges against you for any effects of the massages."

The other five looked at Joey in amazement. Finally, Rachel said, "Joey, that's a great idea, how'd you think of it?"

Joey shrugged, "I don't brag."

Chandler frowned, "Didn't you get that from that movie we watched the other day? The one where the bagboy gets shot because he worked for the grocer who worked for the mafia?"

Joey gave him an aggravated look, "You can never shut up, huh?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Chandler looked up from his newspaper as Monica entered his apartment, glancing around to check that no one was there, "Hey."

"Hey, what's up?" Chandler asked concernedly.

Monica walked over to the counter, across from Chandler, "Did you really mean what you said yesterday? All that stuff about not caring what a woman looked like?"

"Of course I mean it," Chandler said softly, standing up, "Theoretically, if I was with a woman right now, it wouldn't matter what she looked like, and it wouldn't matter how _amazing_ the sex was. I'm like, what, 30, and I've never had a mature relationship? Don't you think that's wrong? I think it is, and I think I should be with someone who's got more than good looks and an annoying laugh." Then he quickly added, "The last one being something you don't have, thank god."

"Oh, wow… that's so sweet," Monica said as she moved forward and hugged him. As they hugged, she asked, "But it _is_ okay that I'm hot and we have incredible sex, right?"

"Are you kidding? You being hot and our sex being the best I ever had in addition to everything else wonderful about you is like watching a 'Baywatch' special, and then realizing it's an all-day marathon."

Monica leaned back in his arms to face him, "I think that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me."

Chandler grinned. "So, do you care to join me in," he jerked his head towards his bedroom, "there?"

"Sure!" she grinned, and they began walking towards the bedroom- but Phoebe and Joey burst through the door.

"Guess who's Pimply Patient- free? Me!" Phoebe exclaimed, smiling. Chandler took a step away from Monica and tried to look innocent.

"Oh, that's great Pheebs… I can just imagine this guy having a date, stripping… and then being rejected by every woman on this earth because he has green pimples," Chandler said with a smile.

Phoebe rolled her eyes, "I thought about that, and it doesn't really matter. I mean, this guy is called _Jorvette Magina_, and he works in _data processing_. He's never going to get laid anyway…"

"Hey!" Chandler shouted defensively, "That's _me_!"

"I know!" Phoebe said brightly. "Crappy name, job that no one's heard of… he's like your identical twin! And I figure, you never get laid, so this guy won't either. Plus, he's fatter than you, and his ass isn't _nearly_ as pretty as yours."

Monica raised her eyebrows, "You think his ass is 'pretty'?"

Chandler turned to Monica, "You _don't _think my ass is pretty?"

Joey shook his head, somewhat disgusted, "All this ass talk is killing me…"

Phoebe grinned, "Well, yeah, Chandler's ass is pretty. It's the prettiest out of all three of them, except for Joey's, of course… and Ross's."

"Okay, you know what, all this "pretty ass" stuff is freaking me out a little!" Chandler exclaimed. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go into my room and show Monica the thing that I was talking to her about before _you_ two interrupted."

He turned around and headed into his bedroom, and Monica said, "And I'm going to go look at the thing he was going to show me."

Phoebe watched the door to Chandler's bedroom close and she turned to Joey, "I bet she's looking at his ass."

Joey grinned.

**XXXXXXXXX **

**I still think it's a piece of crap, but that's how my mind works at midnight… now, I really am going to go do my homework… umm review if you're bored, especially if you thought it was stupid, because I want to see how many people agree with me… my favorite part was just the name 'Jorvette Magina'… hehehe I can't believe I came up with that… maybe I'll use him in other fics… **


End file.
